Postparting
by MiraMeraki
Summary: Pearl learns how to be a mother. Vignette series.
1. Now I've Got to Be There

**Song: It's Over, Isn't It**

* * *

She is alone.

Not that Pearl has been particularly present for the past few weeks. Garnet and Amethyst have chosen to leave her in peace, though that hasn't proved to be particularly peaceful, either. Like a phantom, she flits around the temple to organize the bubbles for the umpteenth time, or go on the occasional mission to capture corrupted gems, or prepare slimy organic mush for the… baby.

The baby.

She appreciates the distractions; she would fall apart without them. Absolutely unravel. The moments of solitude in her room are the worst, with nothing but the running water and her holograms for company. She hates how she now knows the words to hundreds of their conversations, and not even the happy ones. Even the ones that she herself had let slip through the flow of millennia into the remote recesses of her mind, she now dredges them up, so she can savor them and all the pain they bring.

Amethyst's attempts at cheerfulness ring hollow, as does Garnet's somber composedness in her effort to keep the group together. Thankfully, Greg manages to restrain his pathetic sniffling around her. But pain, and hurt… _those_ are the emotions that feel _real_ to Pearl, to the point where they obliterate all else.

Unfortunately, nothing can distract her from the wailing child across the room.

With an unreadable expression, Pearl remains seated on the steps of the warp pad and observes it thrashing in its crib. She remembers how she cried out like she'd been zapped by a destabilizer and pleaded for Garnet or Amethyst to trade places with her. They didn't _need_ Sugilite to cave in sections of the Kindergarten infested with corrupted gems, she reasoned. But nobody listened. And of course, _Greg_ just _had_ to go into to town for some "charity" concert, as though he achieved anything close to music when he played that that battered excuse for a musical instrument to begin with. The more charitable thing to do would be to pry the guitar from his hands and hurl it into the ocean, Pearl reasoned. Still, as a favor to Greg, she was the one who ended up stuck – burdened – punished – with the baby.

Pearl knows she is scared. She doesn't trust herself with this baby, this thing that is both the gem she loves and the result of her indefinite departure. An insult to her, really, when Pearl thinks about it. Rose Quartz was beautiful, poised, insightful, an inspiration. She didn't deserve to be reduced to this filthy, irritating, disgraceful thing that was now even emitting a terrible odor.

Pearl has already resolved to not venture near the crib, so without even thinking, she takes out her spear and idly practices spinning it in one hand. Her shoulders imperceptibly ease up as her body relaxes. She likes having a weapon, how it feels in her slender hands. Pearls aren't typically given weapons at all, and as she runs her fingers along its blade, she proudly remembers how many times she had been given the opportunity to put it to good use. She can close her eyes and remember the whirlwind of flashing lights and glinting metal, the ever-present tension coiling in her lithe yet powerful frame, the spike of adrenaline that allowed her to overcome the resistance of a gem's facets that yielded to her blade….

A particularly high-pitched wail breaks Pearl's concentration, and the spear clatters to the ground. Greg's smelly dufflebag filled with baby products cushions its fall, at least until Pearl kicks the bag away from her. As if _she_ would ever take delight in feeding it organic mush or cleaning its putrid waste.

The chill autumn breeze that snakes its way through the wooden frame of the add-on house doesn't faze Pearl, but Steven cries out with renewed energy as he squirms to nestle himself in the blankets. Pearl shakes her head, puts down the spear, and in a few quick, fluid strides, she stands over the crib, adorned with a stupid mobile of stars and planets that Pearl will never travel to, not now, not ever again.

Pearl stares unflinchingly at the nearest wall as her thin hands fumble with picking up Steven. She remembers seeing Garnet swoop in and scoop him up in one motion, but instead, her awkward and gangly arms wrap around him gingerly, scared to touch him more than what is necessary to prevent him from tumbling to the ground and… poofing? Is he capable of it, of changing his form? Perhaps it's the only way for him to grow, by coming back not in the form of a slobbering child but in the form of a human adult, a woman maybe, with curly pink hair and eyes that could destroy her with a single look….

And just like that, the whole world falls away, leaving Pearl with nothing but the ringing in her ears from some long-gone battle, an all-consuming sense of coldness, and a baby in her weak arms.

The Battle of Facet Five. The Great Ruby Siege. The Topaz Counterstrike, the Fight for the Prime Kindergarten, the Assault on Great Oceans, the Battle for the Ziggurat, the Amethysts' Awakening, the March of Ten Thousand Agates, the Rose's Last Stand, the Day of the Diamonds' Fury. The Renegade Pearl had been present for them all, and more. Some of those fights had taken months. Years, even.

 _In the end, it was all for this._

The wild, insane urge to hurl the baby to the crystalline ground and put an end to it all flares in Pearl's heart for a fraction of a second, only to depart just as swiftly, with only a crushing melancholy to take its place.

 _It can't be over, not like this. This is not how it was supposed to end! I'm still here, I can prove myself to you, I can let us be together, I—!_

Pearl opens her mouth, and a loud wail issues forth, reverberating off the antechamber of the temple. Her cheeks are the first to feel the flow of dampness that runs down her chin and neck. Pearl hasn't cried since losing Rose, but now that's she's begun, there's no stopping it. Minutes pass, and Pearl's voice continues to cry out, raw and pained and utterly alone.

 _Wait…_

At some point, Steven's wailing had subsided without Pearl realizing, and he looks up at Pearl with big brown eyes, teardrops clinging to his eyelashes. There's nothing but bewilderment – or is it concern? Real, loving concern? – written on his face, but a maelstrom of rage and resentment consumes Pearl, contorting her features. Soon enough, tears start pouring out his eyes again, and Pearl wonders what right he has to cry, when he's the one who gained life at the expense of the most glorious, spellbinding, divine being this universe had to offer.

The two can't begin to compare, Pearl insists, overcome by the injustice of it all. A resemblance of facial features, a similar glint of wonder in their eyes, an oh-so-familiar laughter that bubbles to the surface, but it's not enough to replace what she's lost. How could she be content with this?

Pearl bows her head. "She's gone," she whispers. "She's gone, she's gone, she's gone…."

A flock of seagulls soars above the last few peaks of melting snow dotted across the otherwise deserted beach below the cliff face. Besides their calls, the beach is silent as Pearl and Steven cry. Pearl can't imagine how gross she must look as she sniffles, but she continues anyway. And as she cries, the tension in arms — so familiar after thousands of years wielding swords and spears — falls away. She breathes — a sharp, shuddering gasp for air that hurts her chest — then breathes again.

A weight is lifted.

She looks down at Steven, still crying with all the strength his tiny lungs can muster, to the point of being too exhausted to flail around in Pearl's arms. They cried together, she realizes.

Greg cried. Amethyst and Garnet cried. But none of them had cried _with_ her, in the uncontrollable, gut-wrenching, _real_ way that gives voice to all the pain and all the hurt she carries with her. Except for Steven. Steven had let her cry in the way she _needed_ to cry after losing her Rose, her _Diamond_.

 _He's lost someone, too, you know,_ a gentle voice reminds Pearl. _He's lost his mother._

Even with the mucus clogging her nose as her tears subside, she can smell the odor coming from Steven. She takes a moment to collect herself before she stands and walks towards the dufflebag. Kneeling down, she opens it to find it filled to the brim with formula bottles, blankets, extra clothes, toys, diapers, and a folded piece of paper.

Pearl holds Steven close to her chest so that she can reach in and take out the paper. Her puffy blue eyes dart across the list of Greg's handwritten instructions, which even include a few crudely drawn diagrams. She wrinkles her nose at his parting wish for good luck, though as she furrows her brow and rereads the page once, then twice, then three times, she realizes that she'll need it.

 _Rose should be here, not me,_ Pearl thinks. _I'm not cut out for this_.

 _But she's_ not _here._ You _are. You've_ got _to be._

Pearl wonders what an amazing mother Rose would have been. Rose would have been enraptured by the whole affair, treasuring every part of Greg's list as a new revelation into the nature of human beings. But Pearl wasn't Rose, with her nurturing, gracious spirit. Pearl was a pearl. A clever one, admittedly, but a pearl nevertheless. She didn't know how to be a mother.

Nevertheless, Pearl realizes as she clutches the paper in her hand, she _did_ know how to take orders.

 _"Take care of him, Pearl."_

Hopefully, someday, Pearl would learn to like them.


	2. The Life You'll Have Together

**Song: Do It For Her**

* * *

A pearl either lives or dies by water.

It's a purifying process. Pearls are implanted at the depths of great bodies of water, and when they emerge, it's a frantic race to the surface. Thin bodies slice through the darkness and rocket towards what pale shadow of light exists above, all while pushing back against the unbelievable pressure of thousands of miles of ocean that does its utmost to crush them into sand.

Some make it. Others don't. They flail around, their erratic movements strong enough to send only the gentlest of ripples towards the other pearls. Then a pause, where all is quiet, and the pearl drifts suspended in the waves, untouched by the frenzy of movement around her. For a moment, it's beautiful. And then, with a knowing sigh, she surrenders herself, falling like a lifeless little ragdoll, until the murky, unknown waters claim her once again.

Still, Pearl craves the innate peace that only water can bring. The water mutes everything: shapes become hazy splashes of shimmering light; sounds become an indistinguishable murmur; even Pearl's thoughts drift away until they melt into the steady beat of crashing waves. The weight of the water hugs her, makes her feel secure as she floats suspended in one of the hundreds of fountains within her room of the temple.

Then, in a single movement of power and grace, she breaks through the water's surface. Sparkling droplets cling to everything from the strands of her light pink hair to the sides of her pale blue slippers.

"My pearl."

Pearl sends those droplets flying as she turns to meet the holographic image of Rose Quartz, standing beside her with a characteristic, mischievous smile on her face. "Shall we?" Rose asks.

Head bowed, Pearl shyly glances up at Rose stretching out her hands to her. "It's never been heard of before," she murmured, a tinge of blue searing across her cheeks as she dares to smile in spite of herself. "We might not be able to stabilize it beyond a few seconds."

When Rose laughs, a cascade of sparkly blue ringlets bounces across her shoulders. "Isn't that all the more reason to try?"

The water beneath the hem of Rose's dress stays as still as glass as she glides towards Pearl, takes her hands, and leaves her breathless as they waltz along the fountain's edge. The soles of Pearl's slippers skim the water, the tiny splashes forming notes as they patter on the surface, and Pearl finds herself paralyzed by the intoxicating realness of this moment.

As they dance, Pearl wishes she could lose herself completely in an eternity of spins around the fountain, but she remembers her role in this narrative. "I can't stop thinking about that moment," she admits to Rose. "Is it always supposed to feel like that?"

"That's the beauty of fusion," Rose replies. "It's the ultimate connection between gems. Oh, Pearl, I'm so excited that we got the chance to make it happen! It was like… I was so _close_ to finally understanding, to _really_ understanding… you!"

She's heard it a hundred times by now, but it still takes every ounce of Pearl's concentration to keep herself from stumbling. "Me?"

"Of course!" Rose laughs and shakes her head. "I've known you for so long, but I've never really understood what it's like to _be_ you. To be a _pearl_!"

"O-Oh…." Pearl nervously looks away from Rose. "It's nothing that special, really. There are hundreds of us being produced every day; it's not like—"

"You _are_ special, Pearl," Rose insists, gently squeezing her hands as they continue to dance. "Never doubt that."

Pearl smiles. "I think I felt that when we fused. For the first time, I really believed that I could do more than open doors and smile for someone. I… I sound ridiculous, don't I?"

"Go on," Rose urges, breath bated, her wide eyes solely fixated on Pearl's face.

Pearl takes a deep breath. "It felt like I was made for you. It felt like we would be together forever."

All the while, their dance begins to spiral inward towards the heart of the fountain. "I'm not going anywhere, Pearl." She pauses, and the world does with her. "Here. Let me prove it to you."

Rose leans in, and Pearl feels a dizzying rush that lights her whole body on fire. The sparkles in Rose's eyes could tear Pearl to pieces, but it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, she tells herself. It hurts, this feeling like she's about to split apart, but isn't that the point? Oh, what does it even matter if she falls apart, because Rose can take those pieces and make them so much _more_. _Just take me_ , Pearl begs.

Seeing Rose begin to glow with an otherworldly light makes Pearl want to fall to the ground in awe, but a stronger part of her tells her to stand and to stay, to share in that light. She's so close now, and Pearl knows it's time, so she lets herself go…

…and she falls through the hologram, which bursts into blue ribbons of light that disappear.

Pearl doesn't know how long she sits there with her head buried in her hands as she replays the memory over and over in her mind. Then, with a sigh, she lets herself fall sideways so that she's laying in the fountain's center, feeling the cool waves lap against her skin. She laughs at how wonderful it was to have Rose there, and as she laughs she cries, but her tears simply melt into the fountain and are carried away.

She stands up and charges up her gem, ready to try again, ready to feel the memory of Rose's touch and the distant echo of her voice calling her name….

"Pearl!"

She turns around. "Garnet?"

Pearl cowers as Garnet marches toward her, teeth gritted. Pearl doesn't need to see her eyes beneath her shades to know that all three of them are shooting daggers at her.

"What do you think you're doing here?" Garnet demands. "You're supposed to be watching Steven!"

"B-But I was! See, I-I…" Pearl's shaky hands struggle to pull the checklist out of her gem to show to Garnet. "I gave him his snack, I changed his diapers, I gave him a bath, and then he took a nap in the nursery! I even kept a time log; he should still—"

"That was _hours_ ago, Pearl!"

Silence.

"Do you want to know what happened when he woke up?" asks Garnet, her looming figure casting a great shadow over Pearl. "When he woke up and saw that no one was there?"

Pearl meekly shakes her head.

"He fell into a puddle to _my_ room."

Pearl crumples to the ground, hands pressed to her mouth in horror.

"Can you _imagine_ what might have happened if I wasn't there to find him?"

Yes, Pearl can all too vividly imagine.

Garnet presses a hand to her forehead and looks away. "We thought your room would be the safest," she says. "You _said_ you could handle it."

"I can!" Pearl insists, taking a step towards Garnet. "It's just… hard, you know? I think of her all the time when I'm with him, and sometimes… I just need some time to myself, that's all."

"That's no excuse! You can't just get _lost_ here like you used to." Garnet's stern voice starts breaking apart until it's just a whisper. "I… I thought you were moving _past_ this."

A spike of white-hot anger shoots through Pearl's insides. "You know that I can't just move past Rose! How can you even say something like that?"

"But I can see how it hurts you!" says Garnet. "We can all see it! You think that seeing Rose helps you cope, but it doesn't! What good does it do to keep hurting yourself like this?"

Pearl crosses her arms defensively. "You don't understand. You're a fusion; you _always_ feel like you're complete. I just… even if it's for a second, I _need_ to remember what that was like." The tears start to well in Pearl's eyes, but she's too worked up to pay them any thought. "I used to think that if we fused, then she would know just how much I loved her," she admits. "But she didn't, or if it did it didn't make a difference, and now she's… _gone_..."

Pearl takes a deep breath to keep from breaking down. "I know I need to be there for Steven. But I miss her, Garnet. I miss her so much…."

Pearl gasps as Garnet's arms tightly wrap around her. "I know you do," she murmurs. "I know that it's hard to keep going without her sometimes. But Pearl, Rose wouldn't have wanted you to feel bound to Steven. When you love someone, you're there because you want to be, not because you have to fill out a checklist. And I know you feel a lot of things when it comes to Steven, but one of them _is_ love. I _know_ that."

Garnet sighs and pulls away. "I'm not going to tell you to go back to Steven with me. You should go when you feel ready. But just… spend some time with him, okay? Some _actual_ time with him. See how it feels."

Garnet walks away, and Pearl is left alone in a maze of fountains. The entrance to her room is just a faint outline before her; she wonders how she ended up straying this far away from the door, away from… Steven.

With a running start, Pearl begins leaping from fountain to fountain after Garnet. Garnet's shoulders relax, but she doesn't acknowledge Pearl's presence behind her. Instead, she arrives at the door, near a modest little structure built from cluster of crystal outcroppings. Inside, Amethyst sits cross-legged with baby Steven in her arms.

When the two Gems approach, Amethyst stands and places Steven in his crystalline crib. For once, Pearl isn't greeted with a snarky comment; instead, Amethyst gives Garnet a knowing look and turns to follow Garnet out of the temple. Pearl opens her mouth, but Garnet just gives her a simple nod before the door closes, leaving Pearl with nothing but the sound of tinkling water and Steven's gentle breathing.

The tuft of Pearl's hair barely avoids scrapping against the top of the crystal nursery as she stands attentive at Steven's crib. His sleeping face is nestled in a star-patterned blanket, his tiny mouth parted in an O. A faraway look comes over Pearl as she watches him sleep. _He's usually so fussy,_ she thinks to herself, _but now, he's so peaceful._ She leans in, propping her arms on the side of the crib. She thinks of the fountain in Rose's garden, with those statues of her sitting in perfect serenity. A gentle smile flickers on Pearl's face.

Like a quiet guardian, Pearl stands perfectly still, hands folded and eyes searching for answers. "I wonder if you can hear me," she begins softly, watching the occasional fluttering of his lashes with rapt attention. "When Steven goes to sleep, I wonder if there's a part of you that comes out."

When Pearl is sure that she won't be receiving any kind of answer, she lets out a quiet sigh. "I know that Garnet's right. I know I shouldn't be avoiding Steven. But, you know me, I guess!" she weakly laughs. "Always wanting to go back to how things used to be. I mean, _everything_ changed after Steven came along, and Garnet and Amethyst have been so good to him. And I try, I try to be like them. But me, I… I don't bond with him in the same way that they do. Sometimes, I… don't think I _love_ him in the same way that they do. Should… should I feel _bad_ about that?"

Pearl closes her eyes and hugs her chest. "I just wish I knew what you would say to me now. I know what you've said to me before, about changing and growing. It's just… I _want_ to connect with him so much. I want to make memories with him." Her voice cracks. "But I want to make them with _you_."

Minutes pass in silence, and Pearl struggles to find the words that can convey how she feels. "You said that you would never leave me," she continues, "and I believe that, even now. How can you not be here, when I think about you so much? When I think about what we had…."

The words get stuck in her mouth, so she just smiles and rests her chin on the railing. "You wanted to know what being a pearl was like," she continues after a while. "I suppose it's a lot like swimming towards a light with the whole world against you, weighing you down, telling you how weak and insignificant you are. But none of that really matters when you're focused on the light, on that goal of being everything that you were made to be. And you _were_ that light." As she talks, the words keep spilling out of her mouth faster than she can make sense of them. "And I fought so hard to make to the surface, to break through, and now everything's so new and strange and filled with possibilities I had never even thought of back on Homeworld. But you're not here to see it."

When Pearl laughs, it sounds like crying. "I just wish you could see him," she concludes with a smile. "Earlier today, he started gurgling to one of Greg's songs, which is apparently very advanced for a human at his developmental stage. You'd be so proud. It's like the whole world stops and pays attention when he does even the simplest thing. You deserve to be a part of that."

With a sigh, Pearl sits down, rests her cheek on the cool crystal wall, and hugs her legs to her chest. _This isn't exactly what I had imagined when I promised to be her knight_ , she thinks bemusedly. She remembers the thrill of standing at Rose's side and watching the laser cannons take out an entire platoon of quartz soldiers, or the warm glow of pride as she raised Rose's flag aloft at the newly secured Sky Spire, or the electric feeling when Rose asked her to….

Pearl shakes her head. She's not here to get lost in the past, she reminds herself. She's not here just for Rose. She's here for him, too. For _Steven_.

Pearl's throat tightens with emotion as her gem begins to glow. In a burst of light, a sparkling blue image appears at her side, but Pearl only allows herself a cursory glance before turning her attention back to the sleeping baby.

"Look, Rose," she whispers. "It's him."

All through the night, Rose does nothing more than sit by Pearl's side, but it's the closest she's felt to Rose in a long, long time.


End file.
